Night Of The Living Blog

Regular readers can imagine how excited Dave and myself were when George A Romero recently released the fifth instalment of his dead series. It was only after leaving the cinema 60 minutes into the screening, disgusted at the total absence of flesh eating activity, that we realised that Dave had misread the cinema listings and we'd in fact watched the first hour of 'Dairy Of The Dead', a documentary examining the collapse of the British milk industry.

Once we had seen 'Diary of The Dead', Dave observed that at 68, Romero's apocalyptic Zombie genre was still a relevant metaphor to critique modern society, and that he continued to do so with more verve and relevance than directors half his age. I could only half agree, pointing out that 'Diary' was so last century, and that surely the title 'Blog Of The Dead' would have shown just how 'on the ball' Romero still is. Dave then challenged me to sketch out how this re-imagined film might work. "Well it's simple" I replied, "Half of the film concentrates on the pitiful, brain-dead activities of mindless bloggers, and the other half looks at zombies."

Web Two Dot Cotton

You won't be surprised to hear that the terrestrial TV reception in the Bathypelagic region (approximately 3000 metres below the surface of the Atlantic ocean) is rather flaky. Ironically, the signal for Channel 5 is almost watchable, or rather it would be if my required viewing comprised nothing but documentaries about Hitler. So I was delighted when Dave pointed me in the direction of BBC's iPlayer, which promises to "make the unmissable, unmissable". I for one am convinced, following a recent Eastenders story in which Dot Cotton finally embraced the web. Apparently next week, Ronnie and Roxy Mitchell come to blows over the business value in tag based folksonomies.

Dot-to-dot two dot zero

Sorry that it's been over a year since my last post, but as a hibernating ectotherm, some of you may know that many brine shrimp drop their metabolic rate to less than 1 percent of their active rate. Just switching on the old lappy is an effort in itself.

Fortunately, Dave (who loyal readers will remember is my oldest friend and something of a shrimp evangelist), has been immersing himself in the long tail of the web. As a keen player of puzzle games and word searches, he recently challenged me to explain why, in this age of always-on connectivity and increasing computer literacy, he should have to "Complete dot-to-dot puzzles in the order specified by the creator of the puzzle? Why can't I join the dots in the order that I want to?" . I thought he had a point. More importantly, is this the first documented case of what Dave has called 'Dot-to-dot two dot zero'?

Do The Shrimp

Sorry I haven't blogged for a while (rushed off my pereiopods, to be honest). With World Cup fever sweeping the nation, Dave and myself are having to put our list of must-see films on hold whilst we cheer England on. I'm hoping Wayne Rooney is fit as it's quite difficult to 'do the Crouch' when the bladder of your antennal gland prevents you from executing robotic style movements using your first and second antenna. Maybe Peter can be persuaded to 'do the Shrimp' instead? (shown below)

"Nice"

My cousin Nigel is visiting, a snapping shrimp from Baja California capable of producing a snapping sound by rapidly closing his snapper claw. He's capable of levels as high as 220 dB, so you'd have thought that volume alone would have secured him a place in Damon Brown's latest Jazz combo Killer Shrimp. Sadly, the position is not open to Alpheus heterochaelis , or indeed any members of the Pleocyemata suborder (which I feel is shortsighted of Damon). I've suggested Nigel to audition for GWAR instead where he'd be more than a match for current drummer Jizmak Da Gusha.

Basic Shrimp 2

You can imagine the disappointment that Dave and myself shared on discovering that my region 1 copy of Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death wouldn't play on his £25 DVD player from Tescos. Undeterred and in search of the intoxicating combination of nudity and violence, we took a trip to the local multiplex to see if Basic Instinct 2 was as bad as the critics had made out. With Sharon Stone's character relocated to a London setting, I felt an opportunity to explore Anglo-American psycho-sexual relationships had been overlooked, whilst Dave commented that "She's got crackin' tits for a bird pushing 50".

Grizzly Shrimp

Timothy Treadwell, the gonzo naturalist star of Grizzly Man, claimed to have done more for Ursus arctos within the Alaska's Katma National Park than any other human. Whilst one cannot doubt his conviction, courage, and dedication, all three were misplaced and Treadwell (quite rightly, in this shrimp's opinion) ended up as bear faeces.

Maybe Treadwell's enthusiasm would have been better directed at bringing life 3000 metres below the Atlantic ocean to the public's attention? Granted, the bathypelagic region may not provide dramatic spectacle comparable with 10 foot-tall grizzlies frolicking in their natural habitat, but (according to friends) I do a very amusing impression of Blakey from 'On The Buses' that I'm sure cinema-goers would enjoy.