"Nice"

My cousin Nigel is visiting, a snapping shrimp from Baja California capable of producing a snapping sound by rapidly closing his snapper claw. He's capable of levels as high as 220 dB, so you'd have thought that volume alone would have secured him a place in Damon Brown's latest Jazz combo Killer Shrimp. Sadly, the position is not open to Alpheus heterochaelis , or indeed any members of the Pleocyemata suborder (which I feel is shortsighted of Damon). I've suggested Nigel to audition for GWAR instead where he'd be more than a match for current drummer Jizmak Da Gusha.

Basic Shrimp 2

You can imagine the disappointment that Dave and myself shared on discovering that my region 1 copy of Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death wouldn't play on his £25 DVD player from Tescos. Undeterred and in search of the intoxicating combination of nudity and violence, we took a trip to the local multiplex to see if Basic Instinct 2 was as bad as the critics had made out. With Sharon Stone's character relocated to a London setting, I felt an opportunity to explore Anglo-American psycho-sexual relationships had been overlooked, whilst Dave commented that "She's got crackin' tits for a bird pushing 50".

Grizzly Shrimp

Timothy Treadwell, the gonzo naturalist star of Grizzly Man, claimed to have done more for Ursus arctos within the Alaska's Katma National Park than any other human. Whilst one cannot doubt his conviction, courage, and dedication, all three were misplaced and Treadwell (quite rightly, in this shrimp's opinion) ended up as bear faeces.

Maybe Treadwell's enthusiasm would have been better directed at bringing life 3000 metres below the Atlantic ocean to the public's attention? Granted, the bathypelagic region may not provide dramatic spectacle comparable with 10 foot-tall grizzlies frolicking in their natural habitat, but (according to friends) I do a very amusing impression of Blakey from 'On The Buses' that I'm sure cinema-goers would enjoy.